CYOA: Fakes Hoes and BAMFs

I can't tell if I actually enjoy the ending of this novel or not. On one level I am disappointed because Hester and Arthur don't get to run away together and live happily ever after. But then again Hester is a BAMF (Bad ass mother fooper). She is independent and strong in a time and place that tried to keep any women down. The letter that was supposed to weigh her down, but she wore it with her head held high. Perhaps what I enjoy most about this book is the fact that Hester is such a strong character. Considering that this novel was written in the mid-1800s, I find it interesting that anyone would write a female character, let alone a man. I know that not every man of the past was a misogynistic patriarchy (although most were let's be real, it was a phase: a phase that is still making its way out the door but a phase none the less) but you also did not find many men singing praises of women being treated as equal to themselves. So good on you Nat Hawthorne, you my friend get the you're as not scummy as some other people seal of approval.

Now let's talk about our male friends. What the floop. Chillingworth dying did not phase me what so ever. That's a lie, I was THRILLED when that slut bit the dust. I hated that guy, he definitely got what was coming for him. Kinda wish it was a more thrilling death but beggers can't be choosers. But Dimmesdale, damn I could talk about his death forever. First off I have decided Dimmesdale is kinda a scummy snake. He is always like "I am a man of God!" But he still did the do with Hester who he knew had a ring on it. And THEN he lets Hester take the fall, yes I know Hester tries to keep his safe and not tell anyone that

but he could have stepped up and just told everyone anyway. I know he would have been shamed too, but the fact that he watched Hester go through this crap and did NOTHING until right at the end: scum. ALSO after he does step up to the plate and tell everyone that he, in fact, IS THE FA- you know what I'm not going to make that joke anymore, it is dead-- JUST LIKE CHILLINGWORTH AND DIMMESDALE 

but after his little sermon where he outs himself HE FREAKING DIES. BRO DON'T BE A PANSY MAN UP AND FREAKING LIVE WITH THE CONCECUENCES THAT HESTER HAS BEEN LIVING WITH FOR YEARS. Oh was all this a little too much for your POOR FRAGILE PANSY ASS HEART?!?!?!? Ugh okay sorry, I am fine. A little heated, but fine. but for real, right before he dies he rips open his shirt 

No, no. Not like that.

Closer.

Wow um, yeah actually, that's pretty perfect. If I knew how to use computers I would like photo shop the red mark onto his chest, buuuuuut I don't know how to do dat.

And speaking of that red mark, a little gimmicky to me. "Oh no! I have been soooooo stressed with this internal problem that now I have a rash on my chest that I have been able to him from everyone this whole time and have not suffered any repercussions from my actions!" - Dimmesdale (that is a real quote from the book, don't ask questions)

Hester literally wore a red letter on her dress, FOR YEARS and she is fine. God, flooping pansy.

I guess long story short: love Hester and Pearl, hate Dimmy and Chillingslut.

CYOA: NOW THIS IS MY KIND OF PARTY and PEARL IS A G

So I know in my last post I was complaining about how crappy Puritan "celebrations" seemed to be. And although shame parades sound just invigorating I am going to have to give the Black Man party the completely official Georgia seal of approval. This was just hilarious to me, the governer's sister just comes up to Hester and is all like, "Hey you are a pretty bad girl because you are an adulterous whore, wanna come to our Satan party? It will be lit, I promise." Like really? Who the hell in this little Satan cult thought it was a good idea to just ask people to their devil party without proper vetting first?!?! Considering that this is the high of the whole, EVERY WOMAN IS A WITCH THING!!! For all this woman knows, Hester could have just turned around and turned her in. This group really needs to rethink their strategies. I guess it comes back to bite her in the ass too because she ends up getting killed for being a witch so....


Another thing I have come enjoy is Pearl. I originally thought that I was going to have Pearl because I was afraid she was just going to be this annoying kid. But Pearl is the shit. This kid is like 6 and is just running around screwing everyone over, even her own mother. "Who made you, Pearl." Now let's see, I could tell them what they want to hear, ooooor I could be a brat and screw with them and say my mom picked me off a freaking rose bush. Imma do the latter. She also is super confident in herself. She can totally tell how much of a shady, bad dude Chillingworth is, so Pearl's solution is to throw a burr at him and run away because in her words, "But he cannot catch little Pearl!" I love this because 1.) Pearl threw a burr at what she believed to be the devil. A BURR, like that would do anything to Satan. 2.) She thinks that Satan could not possibly catcher her. Pearl you sweet, stupid child. You small child legs won't be getting you anywhere on a regular basis, now throw Satan in. Good luck kid. And finally 3.) She refers to herself in the third person. Georgia is a sucker for people that do this, she loves it.

She also doesn't take shit from anyone. She basically tells Arthur that he is a butt face because he will only stand with them on judgment day. How rude, he deserved that one. Now if only she had called him an egg...

Who even saidShakespearer has no talent needs to reevaluate everything in their life.

CYOA: Crappy Parades and Creepy Husbands

Puritan Massachusetts straight up sucked. I get that public humiliation was a popular form of punishment, but a parade, really? I get that the Puritans were not the best at having a good time, but their idea of parades was messed up. I don't know about you but shame parades are not my idea of entertainment... Who am I kidding, yes they are. Anyways, it is still a pretty bad parade. Besides crappy parades, they also shame her with having her wear a red A on her chest. OH, THE HORROR!!! Something that I truly appreciate about Hester is her stubbornness. The A is supposed to bring her embarrassment and shame but she really shoves that up everyone's asses by making that A pretty as hell. Girl has got some mean embroidery skills because people are envious of that golden guided A. I love when the main character is a strong woman who is also sly as hell. Unfortunately for her her day gets just a bit worse when her crazy estranged husband starts lurking around her shame parade. This poor woman cannot catch a break. My favorite part is that good old hubby shows up dressed as a native American. Like that isn't conspicuous at all. Just some white dude trying to play dress up at a shame parade. He then plays even more pretend when he is like, "Okay honey, I am going to make up a fake name so I can kill the dude that got your preggo." He also picks that best name ever, Chillingworth. I can just imagine some pompous British guys with a high pitched voice saying that name and no one taking him seriously. Hester seems oddly fine with this plan which I find a tad weird. He becomes suspicious of the hot young priest, who SPOILER ALERT, is the baby daddy.

So Chillingworth does what by far is the best thing I have read yet, stalks that scoundrel: FOR FIVE YEARS. This is just so entertaining to me. Five years... FIVE FREAKING YEARS. I just don't think I will ever get over that. 

Bonus: Every time I read Arthur Dimmesdale's name I can't help but think of the town from The Fairly Odd Parents.

Choose Your Own Adventure: Adulterous Whore Edition

I had always been intrigued by the Scarlet Letter, I had heard its praises from many a person. So being the lazy  curious kid I am, I decided to watch the movie. Usual this is an easy way to tell if I will be at all interested in the book. IT WAS A MISTAKE AND I AM SORRY. The Demi Moore version of this novel is terrible and please do not ever watch it. After being told that the movie is a terrible rendition, I felt a bit better that I was not just crazy and that the book was miles better in reality. The novel also was the inspiration for one of my favorite movies, Easy A. It may be a modern take on this classic novel, but it is better than the other movie. All of this was most definitely reasons in my decision to read it, but the most persuading one was that we are not going to be reading it in school. I had always taken for granted that because it was such a classic, I would read it in high school. If I had known we were not going to be reading it in class, I would most likely have read it earlier, but I guess now is the time.


As for the novel itself, so far I am enjoying it. The writing in a way reminds me of F. Scott Fitzgerald in that the words themselves are artfully chosen. The amount of effort put into the word choice is very evident. That alone make the book enjoyable, even if it had no plot at all, it would still be pleasant to read solely to embrace the beautiful writing. Fortunately for me, I am also enjoying the plot as well. I find that a novel that discusses taboo topics, such as adultery, are often not written up until recently. Even today it can be a topic that people like to avoid. So having this book be written in the mid-1800s seems pretty progressive to me. I also enjoy the story because it is still so prevalent today. The gossip and judgment that Hester is subjected to still happens far too often today. We like to think that we have progressed as a society to be more excepting, but adultery is still met with similar consequences, albeit less public.


BONUS: The portrait of the woman on the cover, who I assume is Hester, looks suspiciously similar to yours truly.

Ghostly pale, wavy dark brown hair (which she rocks, like me, in a middle part), smoldering looks (I am aware of the facial structure differences), a stare that looks done with your shit...

It will most likely always be relevant because the world sucks

Spike Lee's Do the Right Thing although a grossly dramatized demonstration of the consequences of racial tension it is still highly relevant to today's society. To the normal viewer, Do the Right Thing seems to be just a huge mess. Honestly if I did not have someone leading me along the way I don't think I would be able to write anything here. The film takes place in 1980s New York City, a time and place where equality was being fought for constantly. In a very broad nutshell, much like Patell says, is a very dramatized version of everyday life in this mostly minority populated neighborhood. However, although many Americans would like to not admit that racism is still highly prevalent in our culture today. Police brutality has been in the news recently, this type of violence is also depicted in the movie. The display of Radio Raheem’s public murder is actually one of the most real depictions of this racial tension. Recently with this cases of police brutality many of the deaths completely unnecessary, similar to Raheem’s. In the movie it almost seemed as if the police were surprised that Raheem had died from the strangulation as if they thought that their actions were not overkill. I think the over dramatization of this kind of conflict is almost perfect for our time now. Because many people do not want to admit that there is a race problem in this nation having this extreme demonstration could possibly be a wake up call to the populous. The movie is still relevant today because as long as there is even a bit of racial inequality anything that addresses it is still important.

Did you miss me?

And you thought you had seen the last of me...

My Experiences as a Real Life Rockstar

*** okay so this is a really spread out post. I started this in December and am just finishing it, so if there are any of joke/references sorry! ***



Haven't we all dreamed of it? Being a rock star? Touring the world with your awesome band preforming in front of hundreds of thousands people? Rocking out whenever you want? Partying in your sweet tour bus? Eating mini quiches in your privet jet that has a hibachi grill in it?!? No? Just me? Okay moving on. But we all know how hard it is to really take off as a musician, well no longer! With Rock Band 2 you can live all of your rockin' dreams!

I got this game when I was about 9 and I thought I was the shit. I mean who wouldn't? You're a 9 year old kid who is playing a freaking RATED T FOR TEEN GAME! I was pretty much a baller. So when I decided to boot it up again after a few years of neglect I chose to live a life of rock. So now I shall share with you my life as a rock star. 

So to start out I have to create a band, duh. First I gotta decide the name of my band. After hitting the randomize button about 4027324 times I settled on "Killa Towel." Pretty cool right? This is what I imagine out logo would look like.

You all better really appreciate all of the photoshopping I am about to do for this stupid post.

I know, I know pretty sick. Anyways, after the band is named, I get to make my character. I decided it would be boring to make me so I made my Alter ego, Chastity. I also got that name from the random name generator in the game. I chose this one because it a.) sounded like a weird ironic stripper name, and b.) it you say it right it sounds like CHAS-titty. Hehe, yeah I'm an 11 year old boy, so what? Any ways everything about her is pretty boring except her hair. The style is called Anime Buns and I made it freaking purple, she is a straight G. I would put a picture of her here but getting a good quality photo off of my Wii would be soon much work. So this is pretty much what she looks like.

The description for the hairstyle was "Kawaii or not?" Hence the "kawaii" look. Although I find it more terrifying than kawaii.

And so Chastity and "Killa Towel" set out on their musical adventure in their hometown of Madrid, don't ask me why I picked that city i just did okay? After a few months I suppose, which was like 2 songs in game, we get the option of compete in the "Battle of the Vans" to get out very own van so we can peruse east Europe and share our magical rock sounds. I don' know if it's possible to lose unless you flunk out of the song but regardless we got the van. It's from the 80s and has a huge ass hole in the floor, but now we can get out of Madrid and share our talents!

Not long after we leave Madrid for Dublin and London, we hire a manager! Apparently he isn't very trustworthy and will probably take way more than 20% of the cut but at least it's something. I guess preforming like 2 or 3 sets of songs is equal to a long time in the game because not too long after, we are now competing to win a tour bus to travel around all of Europe in! We also easily win that too, it's like they want you to get it or something! 

By now I had decided that I was tired of Chas-titty and her rocker attitude, so I decided to make a new character. One that I could dump all of my sorrows on.

I went back and created the perfect rocker, Prudence. Hardcore right? Also thanks to the random name generator the game has graced us with. I forgot to mention earlier you get to decide the persona of your rock star. You get the HUGE assortment of Rock (wow creative), Metal, Punk, and Prudence's personality, Goth. I find this a strange selection. It's ROCK Band, so rich makes sense, and I guess punk does too because punk rock is a genre, but why aren't the metal people in a "metal" band, and the goth peeps in a "goth" band? I don't really know what kind of bands goth kids are in so. Anyways Prudence is now part of the band. 

It also seems that all band members are dispensable except for me, and switch out after every set/ song that I play. In order to make this easier I have decided who my favorites in the band are so I can show you a picture of them.

And here it is. Kill Towel in all of it's glory. I let me introduce you to our members.

On guitar we have the one and only Gene Simmons. Now this one needs some explaining because no Gene does not actually show up in my band. But there is a guy that wears all black and white and shows up a lot in my band so he's Gene Simmons now.

Spiky Haired Punk Girl (SGPG) is on vocals for us. All of the other personas were represented in this band except punk so that is why she is here. She also just looks really good on Gwen Stefani's body.

I decided that we should keep Chas-titty in the band since she is the OG so she's on drums, in all of her creepy kawaii glory.

And last but not least we have Prudence/me. I think that if we had a child, the bassist is what it would look like. It would have my face, but with her goth style, hence the black eyeshadow/eyeliner and lipstick. 

And that ladies and gentlemen is Killa Towel! Now back to my rock star life.

After playing a few songs with Prude, I get a message from my manager saying that if I play a Paramore song then Hot Topic will sponsor my band's merch. Sick. Easy enough, I play the song and now I have a sponsor. Killa Towel is really on a [rock and] roll.

Next I need to acquire a magical vehicle that will take me around the world so I can share my music with WHOLE WORLD. In order to do this we must compete in the all star band event of "No Pain no Plane." Shockingly I won in a landslide, but I still don't think that I could have lost, it's almost as if they WANT me to succeed. Anyways now it is time to take to the skies and become an international star! And by international I mean Europe and the US because apparently Asia, South America, Africa, Australia, and Antartica do not want my hear my music. 

Now that I am in America it is time to introduce these fatties to real music! (And by real music I mean covers because we are some how a semi successful cover band? Like really? And all of our songs sound EXACTLY like the originals!) And as usual the grind starts. Play a few sets and get a notification about a new show that I can play to win some stuff, mostly people. So after literally ONE set list (3 songs) I get a notification that I am now World Famous... for my difficulty? So I am now too good at medium so I can't gain anymore fans. WTF?!?!?! Plus by world famous they mean I have 550,000 fans. In my opinion that's not too great. So I decide to try out hard mode (on the three easiest songs in the game) and to say the least it did not go well. Hard mode incorporates the evil fifth orange button that I cannot for the life of me figure out how to actually use well.

This dude looks like he is struggling too.

Some how I miraculously finished the songs and did actually gain fans. But I then decided to "fuck the fans, this shit is too hard" and went back to medium mode. And you wanna know what? I STILL GAINED FANS!!!! After switching back I was still gaining fans! So I either played the game or it lied to me. 

After that whole fiasco, I was given the option to film a high budget music video (laser light show included). So of course I said yes. The prompt told me that I would be able to pick which song I played but I never did and was forced to play a song called Spoonman. But boy were their lasers in the video! It was an epileptic's dream!

This hurts my eyes looking at it now and I wasn't even there. RIP audience's eyes.

Apparently that medical hazard video was enough to get me into the "Rodie Rockathon." Now I will finally have some low lives to carry my stuff for me! I won, naturally, and now I have some sketchy middle aged men under my thumb. Great. But rodies were not enough for me! Next the game prompted me to get a sound guy. But first I decided to go to LA (because I didn't know I had to be in NYC to get the sound guy) and played a set there. And let me tell you they were angsty AF! I was playing all of these like scene songs that were all basically talking about death and how much the world sucks. It was weiiiiiiirrrrdddd. 

So once I went to NYC I was invited to play at the NAAM Convention. I don't remember what NAAM stands for because I did't write it down, but trust me it was stupid. After destroying all of the other bands, my prize was a lovely sounds guy, who I kid you not was talked about by the game as "keeping the music war, dirty, and crunchy." I don't know who writes this shit but they need an award.

After I capture my sound ner- I mean guy. The game tells me that I should think about getting A Worldwide Promoter, um okay I didn't know that there was a difference between a reg promoter and a worldwide on but cewwwwwwl. So I go the Global promotion showcase to get that promoter that I "need," and to my shock, easy mode is no longer an option. I mean I wasn't playing on it but it would suck if you were and you had to more up. And ways did the show case (5 songs it was painful). And I got my worldwide promoter. 

Now by this point, oh who am I kidding I got tired of this game a lounge time ago, but now it is just starting to piss me off. My wrist hurts like hell from holding that plastic guitar and even though there are TONS of songs, I seem to be playing the same 10 all the time! So I thought that the game would FINALLY be over, but no. Satan came out to play. And you can bet I wasn't going to let Satan beat me!

So remember how I said that South America, Asia, and Australia didn't want to hear my music? Well it turns out that this girl that I picked up at the Global Promotion showcase decided to get me gigs there and you can bet I had a legitimate heart attack seeing how many new venues I could play at. I'm going to admit I cried a little bit I thought that this was going to be a whole nother couple of months of my life trying to finish this game, but I decided to try and persist. 

The game prompted me to go to the Rolling Stone's showcase thingy in Shanghai so naturally I did. Again no easy mode no surprise, but oh my God the set list was eight songs. I cried again. After eight songs of true hell and a wrist that was probably about to fall off, I got it. I got the prompt that said congratulations. I knew then that it was over. I was finally free. Apparently getting into the Rolling Stone's hall of fame or whatever is enough to reach true stardom. Even though I still had less than 1 million fans... Whatever I don't even care anymore, I am just glad I am done.

So all in all, from my experience as a rock star my final review would be 

DON'T GET FAMOUS IT IS NO LONGER FUN ONCE YOU LEAVE YOUR HOMETOWN. STAY IN YOUR BASEMENT AND HAVE YOUR MOM AS YOUR AUDIENCE.

here is a little special treat for you all that I am still pissed about! :)

WHY SATAN, WHY?!?!?!

Hey everyone. This will be my last post on this blog so I just wanted to thank everyone who has ever read any of my posts!