*** okay so this is a really spread out post. I started this in December and am just finishing it, so if there are any of joke/references sorry! ***
Haven't we all dreamed of it? Being a rock star? Touring the world with your awesome band preforming in front of hundreds of thousands people? Rocking out whenever you want? Partying in your sweet tour bus? Eating mini quiches in your privet jet that has a hibachi grill in it?!? No? Just me? Okay moving on. But we all know how hard it is to really take off as a musician, well no longer! With Rock Band 2 you can live all of your rockin' dreams!
I got this game when I was about 9 and I thought I was the shit. I mean who wouldn't? You're a 9 year old kid who is playing a freaking RATED T FOR TEEN GAME! I was pretty much a baller. So when I decided to boot it up again after a few years of neglect I chose to live a life of rock. So now I shall share with you my life as a rock star.
So to start out I have to create a band, duh. First I gotta decide the name of my band. After hitting the randomize button about 4027324 times I settled on "Killa Towel." Pretty cool right? This is what I imagine out logo would look like.
You all better really appreciate all of the photoshopping I am about to do for this stupid post.
I know, I know pretty sick. Anyways, after the band is named, I get to make my character. I decided it would be boring to make me so I made my Alter ego, Chastity. I also got that name from the random name generator in the game. I chose this one because it a.) sounded like a weird ironic stripper name, and b.) it you say it right it sounds like CHAS-titty. Hehe, yeah I'm an 11 year old boy, so what? Any ways everything about her is pretty boring except her hair. The style is called Anime Buns and I made it freaking purple, she is a straight G. I would put a picture of her here but getting a good quality photo off of my Wii would be soon much work. So this is pretty much what she looks like.
The description for the hairstyle was "Kawaii or not?" Hence the "kawaii" look. Although I find it more terrifying than kawaii.
And so Chastity and "Killa Towel" set out on their musical adventure in their hometown of Madrid, don't ask me why I picked that city i just did okay? After a few months I suppose, which was like 2 songs in game, we get the option of compete in the "Battle of the Vans" to get out very own van so we can peruse east Europe and share our magical rock sounds. I don' know if it's possible to lose unless you flunk out of the song but regardless we got the van. It's from the 80s and has a huge ass hole in the floor, but now we can get out of Madrid and share our talents!
Not long after we leave Madrid for Dublin and London, we hire a manager! Apparently he isn't very trustworthy and will probably take way more than 20% of the cut but at least it's something. I guess preforming like 2 or 3 sets of songs is equal to a long time in the game because not too long after, we are now competing to win a tour bus to travel around all of Europe in! We also easily win that too, it's like they want you to get it or something!
By now I had decided that I was tired of Chas-titty and her rocker attitude, so I decided to make a new character. One that I could dump all of my sorrows on.
I went back and created the perfect rocker, Prudence. Hardcore right? Also thanks to the random name generator the game has graced us with. I forgot to mention earlier you get to decide the persona of your rock star. You get the HUGE assortment of Rock (wow creative), Metal, Punk, and Prudence's personality, Goth. I find this a strange selection. It's ROCK Band, so rich makes sense, and I guess punk does too because punk rock is a genre, but why aren't the metal people in a "metal" band, and the goth peeps in a "goth" band? I don't really know what kind of bands goth kids are in so. Anyways Prudence is now part of the band.
It also seems that all band members are dispensable except for me, and switch out after every set/ song that I play. In order to make this easier I have decided who my favorites in the band are so I can show you a picture of them.
And here it is. Kill Towel in all of it's glory. I let me introduce you to our members.
On guitar we have the one and only Gene Simmons. Now this one needs some explaining because no Gene does not actually show up in my band. But there is a guy that wears all black and white and shows up a lot in my band so he's Gene Simmons now.
Spiky Haired Punk Girl (SGPG) is on vocals for us. All of the other personas were represented in this band except punk so that is why she is here. She also just looks really good on Gwen Stefani's body.
I decided that we should keep Chas-titty in the band since she is the OG so she's on drums, in all of her creepy kawaii glory.
And last but not least we have Prudence/me. I think that if we had a child, the bassist is what it would look like. It would have my face, but with her goth style, hence the black eyeshadow/eyeliner and lipstick.
And that ladies and gentlemen is Killa Towel! Now back to my rock star life.
Next I need to acquire a magical vehicle that will take me around the world so I can share my music with WHOLE WORLD. In order to do this we must compete in the all star band event of "No Pain no Plane." Shockingly I won in a landslide, but I still don't think that I could have lost, it's almost as if they WANT me to succeed. Anyways now it is time to take to the skies and become an international star! And by international I mean Europe and the US because apparently Asia, South America, Africa, Australia, and Antartica do not want my hear my music.
Now that I am in America it is time to introduce these fatties to real music! (And by real music I mean covers because we are some how a semi successful cover band? Like really? And all of our songs sound EXACTLY like the originals!) And as usual the grind starts. Play a few sets and get a notification about a new show that I can play to win some stuff, mostly people. So after literally ONE set list (3 songs) I get a notification that I am now World Famous... for my difficulty? So I am now too good at medium so I can't gain anymore fans. WTF?!?!?! Plus by world famous they mean I have 550,000 fans. In my opinion that's not too great. So I decide to try out hard mode (on the three easiest songs in the game) and to say the least it did not go well. Hard mode incorporates the evil fifth orange button that I cannot for the life of me figure out how to actually use well.
This dude looks like he is struggling too.
Some how I miraculously finished the songs and did actually gain fans. But I then decided to "fuck the fans, this shit is too hard" and went back to medium mode. And you wanna know what? I STILL GAINED FANS!!!! After switching back I was still gaining fans! So I either played the game or it lied to me.
After that whole fiasco, I was given the option to film a high budget music video (laser light show included). So of course I said yes. The prompt told me that I would be able to pick which song I played but I never did and was forced to play a song called Spoonman. But boy were their lasers in the video! It was an epileptic's dream!
This hurts my eyes looking at it now and I wasn't even there. RIP audience's eyes.
Apparently that medical hazard video was enough to get me into the "Rodie Rockathon." Now I will finally have some low lives to carry my stuff for me! I won, naturally, and now I have some sketchy middle aged men under my thumb. Great. But rodies were not enough for me! Next the game prompted me to get a sound guy. But first I decided to go to LA (because I didn't know I had to be in NYC to get the sound guy) and played a set there. And let me tell you they were angsty AF! I was playing all of these like scene songs that were all basically talking about death and how much the world sucks. It was weiiiiiiirrrrdddd.
So once I went to NYC I was invited to play at the NAAM Convention. I don't remember what NAAM stands for because I did't write it down, but trust me it was stupid. After destroying all of the other bands, my prize was a lovely sounds guy, who I kid you not was talked about by the game as "keeping the music war, dirty, and crunchy." I don't know who writes this shit but they need an award.
After I capture my sound ner- I mean guy. The game tells me that I should think about getting A Worldwide Promoter, um okay I didn't know that there was a difference between a reg promoter and a worldwide on but cewwwwwwl. So I go the Global promotion showcase to get that promoter that I "need," and to my shock, easy mode is no longer an option. I mean I wasn't playing on it but it would suck if you were and you had to more up. And ways did the show case (5 songs it was painful). And I got my worldwide promoter.
Now by this point, oh who am I kidding I got tired of this game a lounge time ago, but now it is just starting to piss me off. My wrist hurts like hell from holding that plastic guitar and even though there are TONS of songs, I seem to be playing the same 10 all the time! So I thought that the game would FINALLY be over, but no. Satan came out to play. And you can bet I wasn't going to let Satan beat me!
So remember how I said that South America, Asia, and Australia didn't want to hear my music? Well it turns out that this girl that I picked up at the Global Promotion showcase decided to get me gigs there and you can bet I had a legitimate heart attack seeing how many new venues I could play at. I'm going to admit I cried a little bit I thought that this was going to be a whole nother couple of months of my life trying to finish this game, but I decided to try and persist.
The game prompted me to go to the Rolling Stone's showcase thingy in Shanghai so naturally I did. Again no easy mode no surprise, but oh my God the set list was eight songs. I cried again. After eight songs of true hell and a wrist that was probably about to fall off, I got it. I got the prompt that said congratulations. I knew then that it was over. I was finally free. Apparently getting into the Rolling Stone's hall of fame or whatever is enough to reach true stardom. Even though I still had less than 1 million fans... Whatever I don't even care anymore, I am just glad I am done.
So all in all, from my experience as a rock star my final review would be
DON'T GET FAMOUS IT IS NO LONGER FUN ONCE YOU LEAVE YOUR HOMETOWN. STAY IN YOUR BASEMENT AND HAVE YOUR MOM AS YOUR AUDIENCE.
here is a little special treat for you all that I am still pissed about! :)
WHY SATAN, WHY?!?!?!
Hey everyone. This will be my last post on this blog so I just wanted to thank everyone who has ever read any of my posts!
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