CYOA: Fakes Hoes and BAMFs

I can't tell if I actually enjoy the ending of this novel or not. On one level I am disappointed because Hester and Arthur don't get to run away together and live happily ever after. But then again Hester is a BAMF (Bad ass mother fooper). She is independent and strong in a time and place that tried to keep any women down. The letter that was supposed to weigh her down, but she wore it with her head held high. Perhaps what I enjoy most about this book is the fact that Hester is such a strong character. Considering that this novel was written in the mid-1800s, I find it interesting that anyone would write a female character, let alone a man. I know that not every man of the past was a misogynistic patriarchy (although most were let's be real, it was a phase: a phase that is still making its way out the door but a phase none the less) but you also did not find many men singing praises of women being treated as equal to themselves. So good on you Nat Hawthorne, you my friend get the you're as not scummy as some other people seal of approval.

Now let's talk about our male friends. What the floop. Chillingworth dying did not phase me what so ever. That's a lie, I was THRILLED when that slut bit the dust. I hated that guy, he definitely got what was coming for him. Kinda wish it was a more thrilling death but beggers can't be choosers. But Dimmesdale, damn I could talk about his death forever. First off I have decided Dimmesdale is kinda a scummy snake. He is always like "I am a man of God!" But he still did the do with Hester who he knew had a ring on it. And THEN he lets Hester take the fall, yes I know Hester tries to keep his safe and not tell anyone that

but he could have stepped up and just told everyone anyway. I know he would have been shamed too, but the fact that he watched Hester go through this crap and did NOTHING until right at the end: scum. ALSO after he does step up to the plate and tell everyone that he, in fact, IS THE FA- you know what I'm not going to make that joke anymore, it is dead-- JUST LIKE CHILLINGWORTH AND DIMMESDALE 

but after his little sermon where he outs himself HE FREAKING DIES. BRO DON'T BE A PANSY MAN UP AND FREAKING LIVE WITH THE CONCECUENCES THAT HESTER HAS BEEN LIVING WITH FOR YEARS. Oh was all this a little too much for your POOR FRAGILE PANSY ASS HEART?!?!?!? Ugh okay sorry, I am fine. A little heated, but fine. but for real, right before he dies he rips open his shirt 

No, no. Not like that.

Closer.

Wow um, yeah actually, that's pretty perfect. If I knew how to use computers I would like photo shop the red mark onto his chest, buuuuuut I don't know how to do dat.

And speaking of that red mark, a little gimmicky to me. "Oh no! I have been soooooo stressed with this internal problem that now I have a rash on my chest that I have been able to him from everyone this whole time and have not suffered any repercussions from my actions!" - Dimmesdale (that is a real quote from the book, don't ask questions)

Hester literally wore a red letter on her dress, FOR YEARS and she is fine. God, flooping pansy.

I guess long story short: love Hester and Pearl, hate Dimmy and Chillingslut.

CYOA: NOW THIS IS MY KIND OF PARTY and PEARL IS A G

So I know in my last post I was complaining about how crappy Puritan "celebrations" seemed to be. And although shame parades sound just invigorating I am going to have to give the Black Man party the completely official Georgia seal of approval. This was just hilarious to me, the governer's sister just comes up to Hester and is all like, "Hey you are a pretty bad girl because you are an adulterous whore, wanna come to our Satan party? It will be lit, I promise." Like really? Who the hell in this little Satan cult thought it was a good idea to just ask people to their devil party without proper vetting first?!?! Considering that this is the high of the whole, EVERY WOMAN IS A WITCH THING!!! For all this woman knows, Hester could have just turned around and turned her in. This group really needs to rethink their strategies. I guess it comes back to bite her in the ass too because she ends up getting killed for being a witch so....


Another thing I have come enjoy is Pearl. I originally thought that I was going to have Pearl because I was afraid she was just going to be this annoying kid. But Pearl is the shit. This kid is like 6 and is just running around screwing everyone over, even her own mother. "Who made you, Pearl." Now let's see, I could tell them what they want to hear, ooooor I could be a brat and screw with them and say my mom picked me off a freaking rose bush. Imma do the latter. She also is super confident in herself. She can totally tell how much of a shady, bad dude Chillingworth is, so Pearl's solution is to throw a burr at him and run away because in her words, "But he cannot catch little Pearl!" I love this because 1.) Pearl threw a burr at what she believed to be the devil. A BURR, like that would do anything to Satan. 2.) She thinks that Satan could not possibly catcher her. Pearl you sweet, stupid child. You small child legs won't be getting you anywhere on a regular basis, now throw Satan in. Good luck kid. And finally 3.) She refers to herself in the third person. Georgia is a sucker for people that do this, she loves it.

She also doesn't take shit from anyone. She basically tells Arthur that he is a butt face because he will only stand with them on judgment day. How rude, he deserved that one. Now if only she had called him an egg...

Who even saidShakespearer has no talent needs to reevaluate everything in their life.

CYOA: Crappy Parades and Creepy Husbands

Puritan Massachusetts straight up sucked. I get that public humiliation was a popular form of punishment, but a parade, really? I get that the Puritans were not the best at having a good time, but their idea of parades was messed up. I don't know about you but shame parades are not my idea of entertainment... Who am I kidding, yes they are. Anyways, it is still a pretty bad parade. Besides crappy parades, they also shame her with having her wear a red A on her chest. OH, THE HORROR!!! Something that I truly appreciate about Hester is her stubbornness. The A is supposed to bring her embarrassment and shame but she really shoves that up everyone's asses by making that A pretty as hell. Girl has got some mean embroidery skills because people are envious of that golden guided A. I love when the main character is a strong woman who is also sly as hell. Unfortunately for her her day gets just a bit worse when her crazy estranged husband starts lurking around her shame parade. This poor woman cannot catch a break. My favorite part is that good old hubby shows up dressed as a native American. Like that isn't conspicuous at all. Just some white dude trying to play dress up at a shame parade. He then plays even more pretend when he is like, "Okay honey, I am going to make up a fake name so I can kill the dude that got your preggo." He also picks that best name ever, Chillingworth. I can just imagine some pompous British guys with a high pitched voice saying that name and no one taking him seriously. Hester seems oddly fine with this plan which I find a tad weird. He becomes suspicious of the hot young priest, who SPOILER ALERT, is the baby daddy.

So Chillingworth does what by far is the best thing I have read yet, stalks that scoundrel: FOR FIVE YEARS. This is just so entertaining to me. Five years... FIVE FREAKING YEARS. I just don't think I will ever get over that. 

Bonus: Every time I read Arthur Dimmesdale's name I can't help but think of the town from The Fairly Odd Parents.

Choose Your Own Adventure: Adulterous Whore Edition

I had always been intrigued by the Scarlet Letter, I had heard its praises from many a person. So being the lazy  curious kid I am, I decided to watch the movie. Usual this is an easy way to tell if I will be at all interested in the book. IT WAS A MISTAKE AND I AM SORRY. The Demi Moore version of this novel is terrible and please do not ever watch it. After being told that the movie is a terrible rendition, I felt a bit better that I was not just crazy and that the book was miles better in reality. The novel also was the inspiration for one of my favorite movies, Easy A. It may be a modern take on this classic novel, but it is better than the other movie. All of this was most definitely reasons in my decision to read it, but the most persuading one was that we are not going to be reading it in school. I had always taken for granted that because it was such a classic, I would read it in high school. If I had known we were not going to be reading it in class, I would most likely have read it earlier, but I guess now is the time.


As for the novel itself, so far I am enjoying it. The writing in a way reminds me of F. Scott Fitzgerald in that the words themselves are artfully chosen. The amount of effort put into the word choice is very evident. That alone make the book enjoyable, even if it had no plot at all, it would still be pleasant to read solely to embrace the beautiful writing. Fortunately for me, I am also enjoying the plot as well. I find that a novel that discusses taboo topics, such as adultery, are often not written up until recently. Even today it can be a topic that people like to avoid. So having this book be written in the mid-1800s seems pretty progressive to me. I also enjoy the story because it is still so prevalent today. The gossip and judgment that Hester is subjected to still happens far too often today. We like to think that we have progressed as a society to be more excepting, but adultery is still met with similar consequences, albeit less public.


BONUS: The portrait of the woman on the cover, who I assume is Hester, looks suspiciously similar to yours truly.

Ghostly pale, wavy dark brown hair (which she rocks, like me, in a middle part), smoldering looks (I am aware of the facial structure differences), a stare that looks done with your shit...